Friday, September 30, 2011

Mozart vs. Hunter

September 30th, 1791 – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (AKA Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart, AKA Moatsy, AKA Golfwangus, AKA Wuss in Boots) conducted the first performance of The Magic Flute at Freihaus-Theater auf der Wieden in Vienna, Austria. This would be the last opera by Mozart to make its debut, as he died about two months later.
He was only 35 years old! (That's my age!)

Mozart was a child prodigy, born in the 50s. The 1750s. According to a popular online encyclopedia of knowledge (albeit a publicly editable one, and therefore dubious and subject to scrutiny), Mozart "composed over 600 works, many acknowledged as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, piano, operatic, and choral music." If you beat yourself up about not writing more "pinnacle" songs (as I do), Mozart is someone you might masochistically compare and contrast yourself with. I made a fancy chart to illustrate this:

Tranquil Mammoth Challenge: Mozart vs. Hunter
Age 0
Born in "Salzburg"
Born in Long Beach, USA
Age 3
Learns to play the harpsichord
Learns to play with toys
Age 5
Begins to compose
Enters kindergarten
Age 6
Visits Paris and London
Performs publicly for the first time
(Louie Louie on piano for 1st grade class during recess)
Age 8
Composes first symphony
Learns to play clarinet (actually age 9)
Age 12
Premieres first opera in Vienna, Bastien und Bastienne
Forms first band, Taurus
Age 14
Receives the Order of the Golden Spur from Pope Clement.
(Order of the Golden Girls would have been cooler)
Forms second band, Little Seizures
(Who cares about a Golden Spur?!)
Age 21
Toured with his mother hoping to find a court position
Joined AFI and toured the USA, Canada, Japan, Europe and the UK for the first time (not with his mother)
Age 20s
Composes some of his finest works that would continue to influence Western music for centuries
Wrote 24 Hour Party Zone and many other less influential songs
Age 29
Meets Haydn who praises him as "the greatest living composer"
Meets Paul McCartney and challenges him to a "bass off"
Age 35
Dies on December 5th in Vienna and is buried in an unmarked grave
Still alive in Los Angeles
(as of this moment)
Winner: Mozart

So as you can see, Mozart wins. That jerk Mozart always wins! I'll catch up to him someday!

Mozart always wins!
As a modern man in a modern world, I have a few advantages over Mozart:

1. I'm still alive. Mozart can't say that!

2. I can play drums. Mozart probably never learned to "pound the skins"!

3. Modern medicine. Mozart could have used it!

4. Mozart would've had to use this.

5. Mozart was probably a total wuss. He is one of the most revered composers of the Classical era, but I doubt he could hold his own in a no-holds-barred street fight. Although I've never been in an actual street fight, I've seen way more movies about fighting than Mozart ever has. I bet I could use the crane move from the end of Karate Kid on him and he wouldn't know what hit him...he's THAT FAR behind the times!

Alex "Neon Shark" Masi
Next time I'm going to compare Mozart's life to that of Alex Masi (pictured to the right). I don't want to spoil it for you, but Mr. Masi has a few tricks up his leather sleeve. He has a trick on his chest as well.

And either the time after that or three times from now, I'm going to compare my life to Strawberry Shortcake's life and share a recipe for vegan strawberry shortcake that will make you want to vomit in ecstasy.

That's all for now.