Thursday, January 1, 2009

Animal Fighting - the blog

While trying to make a list of New Year's Resolutions, I decided to waste time with a completely unrelated list.

Five Animals I Wouldn't Want To Fight
(and how I would fight them if I had to)

Before I begin, I'd like to stress that as a vegan and animal lover, there are almost no circumstances under which I would ever harm a living creature. The following situations and techniques are for the exception to that rule. These are to be assumed as "life or death" situations.


1. Grizzly Bear - Since most bears can outrun any human (even Carl Lewis) and they typically disembowel their victims, the key to fighting a grizzly bear is to distract it, then incapacitate it. To distract it, I would employ the use of a laser. No laser pointer or laser sight is enough to do the trick, however. I'm talking about a laser light show. Pink Floyd style. I seem to recall seeing a travel size version of this at Guitar Center. Don't correct me if I'm wrong. Once the bear is distracted, I would knock it on the head with a bowling ball. A 14 lb. ball (or heavier) will do the trick. Don't go into battle with one of those hot pink 8 lb. balls they have at the bowling alley unless you want your guts spread all around the forest. One or two hits to the head should be enough to render the bear unconscious. Remember, I'm not trying to kill the poor creature, just protect myself from imminent death.


2. Shark - Once a shark gets a taste of your blood, it will eat you. That's just a fact. Make a note to never serve hors d'oeuvres made from your own blood at a party that sharks will be attending. Since the vast majority of shark fights take place underwater, let's assume that for my shark fight, I'm also underwater. Let's also assume that I'm wearing military grade scuba gear. The gear would of course be state of the art and I would look really good wearing it (I'm hoping I will get some sort of scuba gear sponsorship out of this.) Now on to the fight. Sharks are just mouths that can swim, but those mouths are filled with thousands of razor sharp teeth. I imagine that (once again, don't correct me if I'm wrong) with enough peanut butter, you could make the shark's mouth stick together. It would take more than just a jar of Skippy and a spoon though. I would need something that sprays a high volume of peanut butter at a high velocity underwater. We'll call this device the Peanut Blaster™. (If any food-weaponry companies out there want to manufacture the Peanut Blaster™, get in touch with my lawyer and we'll work something out. I have detailed schematics in my head.) A shark fight is that simple. I'll blast the shark in the mouth with the Peanut Blaster™ set to "stun" and then swim away in my new scuba gear.


3. Tyrannosaurus Rex - Fighting a T. Rex requires encountering one, and that requires owning a time machine, which I do. However, I think this unique set of circumstances raises the question, "Why fight a T. Rex when you could just travel to a time of obvious safety instead?" Normally I would do just that, travel forward or backward through time to avoid a T. Rex fight. But what if the time machine was damaged by a clumsy Diplodocus? I would have no other choice than to fight a T. Rex if cornered. Since T. Rexes' teeth can crush bone, and they have binocular vision, comparable or better than modern hawks, I would have to avoid being seen in order to avoid being eaten. I would quickly dress in camouflage to avoid being seen. I prefer pink and grey camouflage if available, since it's a fact that all dinosaurs are color blind (okay, it's not a fact, it's my theory.) Then I would sneak up behind the T. Rex and, with a jack hammer, break one of his tibias before he is able to turn around. T. Rexes are notoriously slow at turning around. Hopefully this would buy enough time to fix my time machine. If not, I would resort to blinding him with the Peanut Blaster™.


4. Lion - Lions are the rightful kings of the jungle, and I would never attempt to fight a king in his own kingdom. So let's just say, for the sake of this blog, that the lion is in my kitchen. Normally I would use a similar technique for lions, tigers and bears- the laser/bowling ball combo. Since you've already heard me explain that one, I'll illustrate another technique. I call this one Plan B. Plan B consists of two things: 1. The element of surprise, and 2. Piping hot soup. I always keep a a large (but light-weight) cauldron of piping hot soup in my kitchen, usually split pea, or some type of vegan bisque. In order to surprise the lion, I will need to do something it would never expect. First I would turn my stereo on full blast. Lenny Kravitz's "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" is the song of choice when fighting lions. The intensity of Lenny's guitar riff during the intro might be enough to surprise the lion, but I wouldn't stop there. Next I would turn off all the lights except for the strobe light above the stove. While the lion is recovering from this confusing change of scene, I would knock over the cauldron of soup, effectively covering the floor, making it hot and slippery. Finally, I would swing down from atop the fridge on a rope made of hemp and kick the lion back into a pit. If you're going to try this technique at home (which I highly recommend) you may want to dig a pit in your kitchen like I have. Taking care of this in advance will ensure that you are ready for almost any wild mammal attacks in your home. I have covered my pit with a few leafy branches and most days I don't even notice it.


5. Cobra - Can you outrun a cobra? My guess is no. Even if you're fast, eventually you may have to fight a cobra. Here's what I would do if I had to fight one. First I would check to see if it's a spitting cobra. Spitting (like yawning) is contagious. Pay close attention to the dugout at a professional baseball game for an example of this phenomenon. If I spit over to my right and the cobra does nothing, I know it's safe to approach with a hockey stick covered in molasses. Cobras love molasses (as always, don't correct me if I'm wrong) and will be trying to lick the hockey stick the whole time I'm pummeling the poor creature. Case closed. However, if I spit over to the right and the cobra spits over to its right, I know I've got a spitting cobra on my hands and all bets are off. The Peanut Blaster™ is useless against snakes, as are most soups and strobes. Lasers are mildly effective, but require precise positioning, which is often hard to do with little or no time in such a stressful situation. Your best bet, and what I would do, is quickly build a fire. Snakes hate fire (as demonstrated in Indiana Jones films) and will either retreat to look for supplies to make smores, or become aggressively hostile. If the latter is the case, I would let the cobra chase me into a hall of mirrors. Cobras may be deadly, but they're not that smart. I'm sure I could trick the cobra into attacking my reflection enough times that it would eventually grow weary and give up.

Hopefully we will all be lucky enough to never have to fight these animals. Normally this is where you would find a legal disclaimer, warning you to never fight animals and to never use my techniques. You'll find no disclaimer here, just this warning: If you happen to find yourself face to face with one of these formidable creatures and DO NOT use my techniques, you're as good as dead, and I will not visit your grave!

49 comments:

ciel said...

How would you fight a mammoth?
As usual, you're hilarious. You should do stand-up comedy or something.

KamHeiwa said...

Haha. silly
that is genious.
=]

Shel said...

Ohhh I love you Hunter, and I want pictures of your kitchen...and your chocolate chip cookie recipe

sarah jane said...

lol.
brilliant.

Christine said...

I always wondered what to do about grizzlies. I will never again go hiking without a portable laser show and a 14 lb bowling ball. Thank you, Hunter. Thank you.

~Sweet Caroline~ said...

Random as ever of course - very funny ^^

Cecilia said...

Someone's been watching the Discovery and/or History channel...

Áine Caitríona said...
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Áine Caitríona said...

You forgot the most deadly creature of all: the butterfly.

No one ever suspects the butterfly.

I'd Thumb War the dinosaur, shark and cobra. I feel that I have the advantage, what with having thumbs and all. Grizzly and lion? Yeah, that's when the Battle Of Wits gets called.

The Patron Saint of Rebirth said...

I think I should invest in a Peanut Blaster because it seems effective in most situations. XD

Confined2Me said...

These ideas were very helpful and might one day come in handy if the dingo (coyote) I encounter on my morning runs ever becomes hostile.

Straight To Hell said...

Haha. I think you managed to find the scariest picture of each of those animals, available.

StefanieEbling said...

hahaha!!! very funny! the bear thing is good! i also want a peanut blaster...to take care of all those dinosaurs running around in my backyard...strobe lights an mirrors might also be helpful!! haha Your really funny!!!

Christa said...

Now I know what was I doing wrong! I didn't have a laser light show! I only had one laser and as you well know, it wasn't enough to distract the bear. Thanks! :)

mmmm...peanut butter

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing your techniques. As helpful as they may be, I hope I never have to use them, though!

Also, what should I do if I am cornered by a bad ass cobra or am stuck in the cobra zone?

Kayla Caustic said...

I need to start work on my kitchen pit.

Mish the Dish said...

OMG Hunter you're such a dork! XD

YazFace said...

Why are you so cruel to my sides?

Cherol said...

You are wonderfully witty, Hunter.
I am excited to see the other lists you come up with.

MJ said...

I think your next blog should be about what to do if you run into a mythical creature. Personally, I'd be rather frightened if I ran into a rabid unicorn.

afichaker said...

That was great! Seriously, That shark, is way creepy. EHHH *chills*

Charlene said...

Love the wit in your blogs! Idea: You should contact MythBusters and have them make a TM/HB Animal Fighting Special! Whaddya think?!
LOL

VJESCI said...

www.thesoundofanimalsfighting.com

ThisSideUp said...

I'd comment, but I'm going to be too busy digging a pit in my kitchen.

Raven Winged Angel said...

that just made my....month
funny as usual the Bear technique was my favorite only because I actually went to a Pink Floyd lazer show and I could see how this would be effective

RosesAreBlue said...

I could totally help you build a Peanut Blaster. You're on your own if you want it patented though. And about the bowling ball, what if we don't have one? Would an over-stuffed baseball work?

Van, not Can said...

How did you overcome the problem of the flux capacitor in the time machine? This dilemma has left my own quite useless.

dannydunlop said...

How do you fight/cheat death?

Rock on
<3Roy

Jason said...

This was awesome.

xCrystalXChaosx said...

oh Hunter, you've thought of everything!

<3

Jessus said...

They're all so badass.
Except the cobra.

Karlye said...

Absolutely amazing, you my good sir a comic genius. Can't wait to see your New Years Resolutions, those should be VERY interesting.

Have you been watching a lot of Animal Planet lately?

lezah said...

Aye. Hunter, you are insanely awesome and witty as ever.

This Girl said...

Haha loved it.

"Why fight a T. Rex when you could just travel to a time of obvious safety instead?"

Oh my goodness Hunter. <3

cilliii said...

Um, okay, I really hope I won't have to fight against one of those before any foodcompany produces the peanut blaster! :P

nineteen84 said...

Thanks, Hunter. I've had a lion shut up in my office for the past 2 months, because I didn't know how to get rid of it. I'll definitely use your Kitchen Pit plan, but I'm going to expand that and dig an underground tunnel to Africa, so I can be sure Lionel (as I call the Lion) can make it back home. He's been sending frequent emails to his family there, so I'm sure I'll encounter little resistance.

CAIT said...

Peanut Blaster™ = pure genius Hunter.
xxx

dead said...

they should make that the standard tactics for survival guides. i would just delete all the other stuff, cause its completely useless now

impure0purest said...

Haha Hunter, you ARE so boss!
<3

Jacks1234 said...

Laser Pink Floyd style = brilliant because it's true!!!
Uh, if you could go back in time couldn't your future self go to the minute just before the time you go back to see the dinosaurs and tell your self that you should not go as its really not worth it to put your safety on the line like that.... or something, like that.
Oh and the lion one had me laughing way too hard for like ten solid minutes!
Once again your blog is too brilliant!

Fetid_Archfiend said...

what if some one else has a time machine and goes back in time the same exact time and place you go to and then steals your time machine and then the t-rex finally turns around and now he is just really pissed off because you broke one of his tibias and you have no time machine but you do have the scuba gear, what then?
<3

V I I said...

Hunterrrawr, that shark picture is very scary :[

Kily said...
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Kily said...

Hey Hunter!
Whats up!
Nice shoes by the way!

I would like to figth a bear.

eh...can you wach my trasmission please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXX-PtS0iHg

Andrea Alonzo said...

jejeje now i know how to defend myself....from...this creatures..!jajajj so good..!

Air Jordan said...

Your are a great man.so cool.

Air Jordan said...

Nice blog!There have a chance that we can have an furthur exchanges.May be we have common interests.Let's keep in touch.Also I will always pay attention to your blog.

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Christina said...

for this post alone I am pretty sure i want to be your best friend