Mozart vs. Hunter

Wolfgangus?

September 30th, 1791 – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (AKA Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart, AKA Moatsy, AKA Golfwangus, AKA Wuss in Boots) conducted the first performance of The Magic Flute at Freihaus-Theater auf der Wieden in Vienna, Austria. This would be the last opera by Mozart to make its debut, as he died about two months later.

He was only 35 years old! (That's my age!)

Mozart was a child prodigy, born in the 50s. The 1750s. According to a popular online encyclopedia of knowledge (albeit a publicly editable one, and therefore dubious and subject to scrutiny), Mozart "composed over 600 works, many acknowledged as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, piano, operatic, and choral music." If you beat yourself up about not writing more "pinnacle" songs (as I do), Mozart is someone you might masochistically compare and contrast yourself with. I made a fancy chart to illustrate this:

Tranquil Mammoth Challenge: Mozart vs. Hunter

	Mozart	Hunter	point
Age 0	Born in "Salzburg"	Born in Long Beach, USA	Mozart
Age 3	Learns to play the harpsichord	Learns to play with toys	Mozart
Age 5	Begins to compose	Enters kindergarten	Mozart
Age 6	Visits Paris and London	Performs publicly for the first time (Louie Louie on piano for 1st grade class during recess)	Hunter
Age 8	Composes first symphony	Learns to play clarinet (actually age 9)	Mozart
Age 12	Premieres first opera in Vienna, Bastien und Bastienne	Forms first band, Taurus	Mozart
Age 14	Receives the Order of the Golden Spur from Pope Clement. (Order of the Golden Girls would have been cooler)	Forms second band, Little Seizures	Hunter (Who cares about a Golden Spur?!)
Age 21	Toured with his mother hoping to find a court position	Joined AFI and toured the USA, Canada, Japan, Europe and the UK for the first time (not with his mother)	Hunter
Age 20s	Composes some of his finest works that would continue to influence Western music for centuries	Wrote 24 Hour Party Zone and many other less influential songs	Mozart
Age 29	Meets Haydn who praises him as "the greatest living composer"	Meets Paul McCartney and challenges him to a "bass off"	tie
Age 35	Dies on December 5th in Vienna and is buried in an unmarked grave	Still alive in Los Angeles (as of this moment)	Hunter
Total	7	5	Winner: Mozart

So as you can see, Mozart wins. That jerk Mozart always wins! I'll catch up to him someday!

Mozart always wins!

As a modern man in a modern world, I have a few advantages over Mozart:

1. I'm still alive. Mozart can't say that!

2. I can play drums. Mozart probably never learned to "pound the skins"!

3. Modern medicine. Mozart could have used it!

4. Google.com Mozart would've had to use this.

5. Mozart was probably a total wuss. He is one of the most revered composers of the Classical era, but I doubt he could hold his own in a no-holds-barred street fight. Although I've never been in an actual street fight, I've seen way more movies about fighting than Mozart ever has. I bet I could use the crane move from the end of Karate Kid on him and he wouldn't know what hit him...he's THAT FAR behind the times!

Alex "Neon Shark" Masi

Next time I'm going to compare Mozart's life to that of Alex Masi (pictured to the right). I don't want to spoil it for you, but Mr. Masi has a few tricks up his leather sleeve. He has a trick on his chest as well.

And either the time after that or three times from now, I'm going to compare my life to Strawberry Shortcake's life and share a recipe for vegan strawberry shortcake that will make you want to vomit in ecstasy.

That's all for now.

Update! Hunter interviewed by Bea Arthur!

Since everyone loves an update, I thought I'd post this interview I found online yesterday. The funny thing is, I don't remember doing this interview. Oh well...Enjoy!

Hunter Burgan: Before we get started, I just have to tell you that I recently watched some episodes of Maude on DVD...and you are hilarious! I love it more than Golden Girls!

Bea Arthur*: Thank you. So what's new, Hunter? What have you been up to?

Hunter: Well, Bea, I've been pretty busy. AFI has been working non-stop on new songs, Hunter Revenge is playing the Pomona Warped Tour on Friday, I bought new curtains, Dan Kelly and I just finished mixing a record for our friends' band, I've been drinking lots of coffee, I have a new shoe coming out soonish and well...I've also been planning some secret stuff.

Bea: Secret Stuff? Well you'll have to tell me about that later, but first...tell me, what do the new AFI songs sound like?

Hunter: They're great. We have a bunch of really catchy songs that I think you're going to love...even with your finicky taste, Bea.

Bea: Well you know I'm partial to the Stones and Zeppelin.

Hunter: And I'm confident that you'll find a place in your heart for our new stuff as well.

Bea: We'll see about that.

Hunter: Yeah we will.

Bea: Moving on... Tell me about Hunter Revenge's show this Friday.

Hunter: It's Warped Tour, in Pomona, and I'm playing the Kevin Says Stage which is a smaller, more intimate stage.

Bea: So the audience will be closer to you.

Hunter: Exactly! Hunter Revenge is not about barricades and boundaries. It's about intimacy and relationships...the relationship between the band and the audience.

Bea: Speaking of your band...who do you have playing with you this time?

Hunter: Dan Kelly, as always, will be playing keyboards. Ian Fowles from The Aquabats will be playing bass, and Ryan Seaman will return to the drums for his first appearance with me since 2005. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Bea: Just out of curiosity, will you be selling shirts or records?

Hunter: Just shirts and CDs.

Bea: Well that sounds like a blast. I'll try to make it out there. Where can I get tickets?

Hunter: You can buy tickets by clicking here.

Bea: Did you just insert a link?

Hunter: Yeah.

Bea: Cool. Now let's talk about these curtains. What do you look for in a curtain?

Hunter: For me, a curtain needs to be tall, dark and thick.

Bea: You're a man of my taste.

Hunter: Bea! I'm talking about curtains, not-

Bea: So am I.

Hunter: You dirty bird!

Bea: Moving along... What band did you and Dan Kelly mix?

Hunter: They're called Artichoke Heart Soufflé. They write fun songs...the whole project was fun. Have you heard of them?

Bea: Yeah, well no, but I was just looking at their website. Cute drawings. So what else is going on...oh yes...coffee?

Hunter: Yeah. I love the dark roast. "Dark and crisp" as Jarrod Alexander would say.

Bea: Mmmm that sounds good right now. So when is your new shoe coming out?

Hunter: It comes out in the Spring '09 collection, which comes out well before Spring the season.

Bea: Yeah that always confuses me. Why are the seasons for fashion out of sync with the real seasons?

Hunter: No one will ever know.

Bea: And I'm going to assume that this is another collaboration with Macbeth?

Hunter: Yes you are, Bea, and it will be a correct assumption.

Bea: Ok Hunter, I need to wrap this up. Before we go, can you tell me anything about the "secret stuff" you're planning?

Hunter: Not if I want to maintain the secrecy. However, I will tell you that both Matt Wedgley and I have put a lot of time into this so far.

Bea: I have an idea of what you might be talking about, but I won't say anything. If it's what I think it is, then it's going to be AMAZING!

Hunter: Thanks...it will be!

Bea: When will you let everyone in on your secret?

Hunter: In a couple of weeks...just keep your eyes and ears open.

Bea: I'll be sure to. Thank you for the interview Hunter.

Hunter: Thanks, Bea.

*may not be the real Bea Arthur, so just to avoid any libel suits, let's just say that this isn't the real Bea Arthur.