Mozart vs. Hunter

Wolfgangus?

September 30th, 1791 – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (AKA Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart, AKA Moatsy, AKA Golfwangus, AKA Wuss in Boots) conducted the first performance of The Magic Flute at Freihaus-Theater auf der Wieden in Vienna, Austria. This would be the last opera by Mozart to make its debut, as he died about two months later.

He was only 35 years old! (That's my age!)

Mozart was a child prodigy, born in the 50s. The 1750s. According to a popular online encyclopedia of knowledge (albeit a publicly editable one, and therefore dubious and subject to scrutiny), Mozart "composed over 600 works, many acknowledged as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, piano, operatic, and choral music." If you beat yourself up about not writing more "pinnacle" songs (as I do), Mozart is someone you might masochistically compare and contrast yourself with. I made a fancy chart to illustrate this:

Tranquil Mammoth Challenge: Mozart vs. Hunter

	Mozart	Hunter	point
Age 0	Born in "Salzburg"	Born in Long Beach, USA	Mozart
Age 3	Learns to play the harpsichord	Learns to play with toys	Mozart
Age 5	Begins to compose	Enters kindergarten	Mozart
Age 6	Visits Paris and London	Performs publicly for the first time (Louie Louie on piano for 1st grade class during recess)	Hunter
Age 8	Composes first symphony	Learns to play clarinet (actually age 9)	Mozart
Age 12	Premieres first opera in Vienna, Bastien und Bastienne	Forms first band, Taurus	Mozart
Age 14	Receives the Order of the Golden Spur from Pope Clement. (Order of the Golden Girls would have been cooler)	Forms second band, Little Seizures	Hunter (Who cares about a Golden Spur?!)
Age 21	Toured with his mother hoping to find a court position	Joined AFI and toured the USA, Canada, Japan, Europe and the UK for the first time (not with his mother)	Hunter
Age 20s	Composes some of his finest works that would continue to influence Western music for centuries	Wrote 24 Hour Party Zone and many other less influential songs	Mozart
Age 29	Meets Haydn who praises him as "the greatest living composer"	Meets Paul McCartney and challenges him to a "bass off"	tie
Age 35	Dies on December 5th in Vienna and is buried in an unmarked grave	Still alive in Los Angeles (as of this moment)	Hunter
Total	7	5	Winner: Mozart

So as you can see, Mozart wins. That jerk Mozart always wins! I'll catch up to him someday!

Mozart always wins!

As a modern man in a modern world, I have a few advantages over Mozart:

1. I'm still alive. Mozart can't say that!

2. I can play drums. Mozart probably never learned to "pound the skins"!

3. Modern medicine. Mozart could have used it!

4. Google.com Mozart would've had to use this.

5. Mozart was probably a total wuss. He is one of the most revered composers of the Classical era, but I doubt he could hold his own in a no-holds-barred street fight. Although I've never been in an actual street fight, I've seen way more movies about fighting than Mozart ever has. I bet I could use the crane move from the end of Karate Kid on him and he wouldn't know what hit him...he's THAT FAR behind the times!

Alex "Neon Shark" Masi

Next time I'm going to compare Mozart's life to that of Alex Masi (pictured to the right). I don't want to spoil it for you, but Mr. Masi has a few tricks up his leather sleeve. He has a trick on his chest as well.

And either the time after that or three times from now, I'm going to compare my life to Strawberry Shortcake's life and share a recipe for vegan strawberry shortcake that will make you want to vomit in ecstasy.

That's all for now.

Horses vs. Fugazi

As many of you know, I am a fan of horses. While they are not my favorite animal (that title remains with the mammoth), horses are still unarguably great. So I thought, why not put them up up against something else unarguably great...like Fugazi. So, for the first Tranquil Mammoth Challenge of 2009, I've pitted beast against band. Let's see who comes out on top.

	Horses	Fugazi	point
Date of Origin	Horses were probably first domesticated between 4,500 and 2,500 BC.	Fugazi's lineup solidified in late 1987.
Place of Origin	Earth	Washington DC, Earth
Evolution	DNA evidence shows modern horses are descended from not one but several wild populations.	After Minor Threat broke up, Ian MacKaye played in several groups before starting a new band with Colin Sears and Joe Lally. Sears was soon replaced by Brendan Canty. Guy Picciotto, who had been in Rites of Spring with Canty, joined as a second vocalist after his band, Happy Go Licky broke up. Picciotto began playing second guitar before their first album, Repeater was recorded in 1989.
Selected Discography	Despite thousands of albums with 'horse' in the title or band name, no horses have ever recorded any music on their own.	EPs 7 Songs (1988) Margin Walker (1989) LPs 13 Songs (complilation of the two EPs above) (1989) Repeater (1990) Steady Diet of Nothing (1991) In on the Kill Taker (1993) Red Medicine (1995) End Hits (1998) Instrument Soundtrack (1999) The Argument (2001)
Propensity for violence	Stallions will often challenge and fight other stallions, often if a mare is present.	Fugazi discourages violence and violent dancing at their shows.
Quantity	Experts estimate that there are more than 75,000,000 horses in existence.	There is only one Fugazi.
Strength	Horses are very strong. I personally estimate their strength to be roughly 1 hp (horsepower) or 33,000 ft·lbf/min.	Trouser Press describes Fugazi as "a knuckle sandwich made with nine-grain bread, building strong minds and bodies with rattling guitar power."
Height	Measured in hands: This horse is 15 hands high!	Measured in inches: This Fugazi record is a 12"!
Live Performance	Horses star in horse racing, dressage, eventing, show jumping, and rodeo as well as films and tv shows. Their performances range from utilitarian to beautifully graceful to exhilarating.	Fugazi concerts are exciting, engaging and memorable.
Merchandise	Many products are derived (extorted) from horses, including meat, milk, hide, hair, bone, and pharmaceuticals extracted from the urine of pregnant mares.	"Merchandise keeps us in line Common sense says it's by design What could a businessman ever want more than to have us sucking in his store"
Speed	The average horse gallop is 25 to 30 miles (40 to 48 km) per hour.	Some Fugazi songs exceed 200 beats per minute, although their average song tempo is much slower.
Food	Horses are herbivores.	Fugazi's members are all reportedly vegan/vegetarian.
Water	You can theoretically lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.	"One drink of water and I'm drowning"
Meaning of Name	I'm pretty sure it stands for 'Hold On, Ride Solid, Equus', although I may have just made this up.	From Mark Baker's Nam, a compilation of stories of Vietnam War veterans, where it used as a backronym for 'Fucked Up, Got Ambushed, Zipped In'.
Current Status	Horses are currently everywhere, eating.	Fugazi is currently on an indefinite hiatus.
Total	9	9

It looks like the first Tranquil Mammoth Challenge of 2009 has resulted in a tie, and I'm not surprised. Both Horses and Fugazi have proven themselves to be truly great. Send me some suggestions for the next Tranquil Mammoth Challenge of 2009.