Monday, September 15, 2008

Horse Blog Vol. 1


After much (possibly too much) anticipation and hype, I now present to you Vol. 1 of my horse blog. Before we begin this horse adventure, I would like to share with you something that French Surrealist, André Breton once said,
"The man who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot."

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I think that's assuming a lot! First off, can we really assume the horse's gender without checking? I, for one, do not wish to be the person in charge of checking. Do you know what the statistics for non-fatal horse related injuries in the US are? I didn't either until I read this. So for the sake of this blog, let's just call the horse an "it."

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
I think that's still assuming a lot! I mean...can you? Can you lead a horse to water? Can you lead a horse at all? Can you even find a horse? I don't know about you, but where I live there aren't horses just hanging around waiting to be lead around. This saying must date back to a time when horses were just hanging around every corner. So, in order to rule out some of these variables and make this easier, let's just assume that you are lucky enough to find a horse who is already near water.

They say you can't make a horse drink. I believe it. That horse is spoiled. You could probably buy that horse some candy and flowers or maybe take it on a date to a really nice Italian restaurant and a jazz club afterwards or even fly that horse to Horse Island for a weekend getaway AND STILL the horse probably wouldn't drink, which brings me to the next question.

Why are you trying to get this horse to drink? Surely you aren't trying to take advantage of a horse that's been drinking, right? I'm sure the last thing you need right now, dear readers, is some type of legal mess that involves an under-aged horse. A jury is not going to be very sympathetic, especially after the cops find the dead horse's body in your trunk! I know what you're thinking, "But Hunter, what was I supposed to do with the body!?!"
There's no use in beating a dead horse. I'll agree with that one. Unless, well... Unless you're under the impression that you can beat a dead horse back to life. I looked online for the definitive site for horse CPR, but all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

"Hold your horses, Hunter!" you might be thinking right now, "Where are you going with all of this?" Well, dear readers, that's a very good question. Winston Churchill once said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man." That makes me wonder what he thought of the inside of a horse. Churchill was smart enough to know that the inside of a horse is often filled with Greek soldiers. At least that's how it was back in the day.

If you lead a horse to water and it decides to drink, then what? If you are clever enough to convince the horse of its thirst, then my work is done here. The student has become the master. Good for you!
This draws us to the conclusion of the horse blog Vol. 1. Until the next volume, I will leave you with this quote from comedy pioneer, Stan Laurel.
"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."

59 comments:

follow the white rabbit said...

no way, first comment! yay!
with the time difference i'm usually almost the last person to leave a comment.

anyway, haha! hunter. that was very good. the use of idioms were very clever :) oh and the pics were awesome! especially the last one :)looking forward to the next one.

lezah said...

So much win right there. I'm anticipating Volume 2.

Stix said...

Love it!

Melissa said...

I love you HUNTER BURGAN!!!!! Marry ME, Please =)

Ashleigh said...

I can now see horse blogging becoming a Web-wide pandemic. Eagerly awaiting volume 2!

camilla said...

This blog was definitely full of win! My horse refuses to drink when I lead her to water too, so maybe there's some truth to that. Can't wait for Volume 2! :)

<3

P-nut said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P-nut said...

Eww. Horses. They hate me, I hate them back, its a mutual thing...apparently I just give of "bite me now" vibes...

http://community.livejournal.com/ugly_crap/204742.html - ah well, glitter will make it better!

leongyiting said...

LOL. Epic win, Hunter.

Kaylee said...

Terrific! Loved it, made my morning happy!

AbsentOfGrace said...

That was worth the wait.

HAVOKLover4life said...

Lmfao!!!I cann't wait for more!!!So get us another one up soon!!!
<3 u,and all of AFI to!!!

Come see me @ http://afireinside4life.ning.com I'm the owner of the site.I really hope u will come check us out,thanks!

VJESCI said...

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/you-can-lead-a-horse-to-water.html

Pill Popping XXX said...

Hunter, you're gonna start a revolution, and I plan on leading it. XD

This is such a life-changing moment. Lead on Hunter! Lead on!

Love,
Vivi

P.S. Expect something in the mail...Adam too. No, it's not a letter bomb. :)

ciel said...

Brilliant.
Looking forward to Vol. 2!

danLTH said...

so the real question is, did your horse drink?

I had a horse that would drink all the time, as a matter of fact he was the same horse from the "horse walks into a bar" joke.

he always ordered scotch.

Christa said...

I <3 you and i mean that in the least creepiest way possible. :D

liebling said...

Wow. My head is spinning now. Good job!

But now I have an unbearable craving to go horseback riding again!

JoeMama said...

You really are a strange person.

Michelle said...

absolutely amazing! Lots of smiles before sleeping. thanks for posting!

Maciej Makalowski said...

All of this just makes me think of Mr. Hands. I refuse to put a link to it, but if you know who Mr. Hands is, you would not dare to click on the link, and if you do not know who he is, then you are luckier and happier than I am. I wish I never saw that video.

hahaitslacey said...

HAHA.
wow. i'm looking forward to more horse blogs from you now. i think i can learn a lot.
and i love horses, really.

Shel said...

Hunter, you are my hero. Thank you for taking a horrible week and making it lovely again! The whole 'underage horse drinking' was truly creepy. In a good way of course

pirate said...

Oh, Hunter.

What laughter fills my soul.

BrittanyDF said...

woot horse!

Fishyy! said...

Hahah
This was SO worth the wait! I'm looking forward to Volume 2.

Todd said...

Pardon me but... NO!

savemeforlast said...

Try strawberry jello powder in their water, I have twenty-two horses all used for jumping, and if we don't feel that they're getting enough, this is usually one no fail way to make sure they get it.
or beer. horses like the taste of the hops.

anywho. this blog made my day<3!

dannydunlop said...

Hunter. You just changed my entire perspective on everything. Namely horses. Volume 2 should perhaps be illustrated with a picture of you riding the horse in that wonderful 'Whos Gonna Love U Now?'video I made.

Amazingness.

<3Roy

propelwave said...

haha i loved it Hunter!! can't wait for vol. 2!!

BROOKE said...

That was quite amazing... My mind is offical blown! <3!!!

ikkyg said...

i sense much win in this blog.

Cherol said...

Perfect.
This, Sir, was most definitely worth the wait.

I hope that in volume two you explore "a horse is a horse, of course, of course."

Mary-Jean said...

I'm going to take a vacation on Horse Island, then come back and see if I can get a horse to drink when I lead it to water. If not, no apples for Horsey.

Jaden Nny said...

Equus.

Yeah, you could play Alan Strang. Or Dr. Dysart. Or Nugget.

YazFace said...

Wow. If Volume 2 can beat that, then I'll just go ahead and say that you have much too much awesomeness on your hands for your own good.

as you wish said...

hunter...i think you have too much time on your hands. <333

Boo™♥ said...

This is seriously epic Hunter! Oh so much win in that blog. Can't wait until Volume 2! <3

XOXOX
Boo

kirstin said...

awesome! love it.

girlisgrey said...

I want to know where you found all these quotes. haha I love it.

Van, not Can said...

This is probably the best blog entry I have ever read. Well done sir.

Piercings Saved My Life said...

Haha. I LOVE YOU HUNTER. you make me so happy!!!and so does the rest of AFI. oww oww.

Piercings Saved My Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dannydunlop said...

Late, I know.

But who can argue with a dirty old pirate banner?

http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k107/dannydunlop/theforcedirtyoldpiratebannercopy.jpg?t=1221693480

Rock on
<3Roy

any_mouse said...

All this horsing around is quite amusing. Now I'm chomping at the bit for Volume 2.

vox vampirica said...

I love you.

Karlye said...

Bravo bravo Hunter, my expectations for that blog were exceeded much farther than I thought they would go.

I absolutely can not wait for Volume 2.

KD [X] said...

LMBO!! that was hecka funny!

but i was surprised you didn't quote this Arabian proverb:

"The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears."

UniquenessInABox said...

Amazing.

~*Miss Murder*~ said...

dannngggg you totally boggled my mind with this! I could have never thought about something like this, that hard lol

<3
Jess

~*Miss Murder*~ said...

Hahaha this is a great thought. I could have never thought about something like this so deeply. Much love Hunter!

Alexandria said...

Finally! The horse blog. It was amazing and funny and informative.
I can't wait till vol.2...
I also loved the multi-lingual blog as well. I am glad I checked up today, now I can have a smile on my face when I work.

andrea alonzo said...

and volume 2?!!1
so fun

SmokeMonsterNomNomNom said...

I loved the part about taking advantage of the underage horse. That was seriously hilarious. That brightened my otherwise mediocre day. Release a second volume!

Straight To Hell said...

Damn, that was the greatest thing i've ever read. I'm sitting home sick and that just made my day
10000x better. You own Hunter.

Keep rockin' the horse!

horse vacation said...

I can now see horse blogging becoming a Web-wide pandemic. Eagerly awaiting volume 2! That I like one or more horse like that could .

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Steve said...

You do know that pencils are graphite not lead Right.