Saturday, December 5, 2009

Ghosts and Cat Tribes

"Hunter, why haven't you blogged in 6 months?!"

I hear questions like this all the time. People are curious, and I can't blame them for that. The truth is, I've been very busy doing this AFI thing, working on new Hunter Revenge material, but most importantly—writing a book. All of my "writing energy", as I like to call it, has been spent on this book. As of now, there is no release date for my book because I don't have a publisher. If you would like to help speed along this process by emailing your favorite publisher and demanding they publish my book, I cannot stop you. In the mean time, let's discuss the other reason why I haven't blogged in so long: ghosts.

Back in June I hired some ghosts to ghostwrite my blog (ghostblog?) on my behalf. This made perfect sense, since I was getting busier and busier by the day and little time or "writing energy" for trivial important things like my blog. However, I failed to realize that ghosts use invisible fonts as a default setting. So to the untrained eye, it looks as if no blogs have been posted since June. Oops. I tinkered around with some of the ghosts' laptops and fixed this font problem. It won't happen again. In fact, here is one of the previously invisible blogs I "found" while I was tinkering. It's called,


Cat Tribes

When it comes to irrational fears I am sure snakes, spiders, and ghosts* are on most of our lists. However the one absolutely terrifying thing I am sure we can all agree on is the fear that we will one day be overthrown by a tribe of Native American Cats.

The evidence of this potential threat is there we just don't want to accept it. The possibility alone is enough for us to place bells on the necks of cats so they are unable to sneak up on us, or more importantly, perform any type of ancient tribal ritual without being heard. Catch your own dreams, cats. Leave me out of this!

I personally recall one of the more notorious tales of forewarned cat doom that dates back to the colonial era when the leader of the ancient Catnipashaw tribe declared a curse on the lives of all that "walked on two legs and dangled yarn, like empty promises, in front of the faces of his brethren. "

This leader, a calico named Chases Own Tail, made it clear that neither he nor anyone from his tribe would ever allow the land that was rightfully theirs to be stolen, food sources depleted by the white man, or laser pens to lead them in confusing circles and away from the sacred lands of their ancestors. He warned, "If you take what is rightfully ours, what we have owned for years before your arrival, your future will be paved in bite marks and scratches."

You won't find much in today's history books about the sordid past of Native American Cat tribes. However, a lot of the way we share our space with the indentured servants of their tribe today is indicative of a past almost too dark to recall.

After the famous defeat at Fort Scratching Post, the captured cat tribesmen were taken to a makeshift prison, similar to that of an upside down laundry basket, where each was forced to sleep on piles of clothes and were given only a bowl of stale dried food that had been shaped to mimic meat but was mostly made of roots and vegetables. It was said some were even forced to accept the new religion brought by the settlers and to adorn their clothing.

"We want them to understand their place," General Crazy Cat Lady later wrote in her memoir The Fur On the Couch of Freedom. "If they think they can just walk around this land, batting at the ankles of every man that passes by, they're wrong. Our freedom is what we came here for and I'll be damned if they think they can take a nap on the pile of papers we call our Constitution."

Research tells us these same captured tribesmen were also forced into small boxes with ground ceramic pieces lining the floor that they were forced to use to defecate and urinate in. It was said many of these prisoners suffered the agony of the ceramic pieces being stuck in their fur and toes and at times they were unable to walk.

Tribal leader Sleeps In Sunspots wrote about these crimes against his people after he was captured in battle and forced into slavery. "My brothers and sisters may have lost this battle but the war is far from over. Rest assured, we may come into your homes as slaves but we will leave as victorious enemies. The spirit of the tiger lies within our hearts. Never shall you rest easy as we occupy the spaces in your sink or threaten to steal the breath of every new born baby. We will raise our paws in unity against the common forces against us. We will chase the tail of freedom. No man, woman, or ball of paper will keep us from our destiny. Like the sun shall always defeat the moon, so shall we regain our rightful place. Mark my words. Meow."

It is uncertain if the threats made against us so many years ago will come to fruition. The docile ancestors we see today seem to have accepted their fate as our pets, at least for now.

My suggestion? Sleep with one eye open (but definitely not two.) If your cat starts to bat at door knobs or seems to understand the working mechanics of the water faucet, take note. They're adapting. It won't be long before we see them hiding in cardboard boxes or preparing for attack inside a grocery bag. In preparation for capture, they'll try to block our access to technology by sleeping on our laptops or walking on the keyboard as we try to send a distress signal. They may try to physically cripple us by attacking our feet when under a blanket.

Like General Crazy Cat Lady warned in her memoir, "They will throw us off the path of war by disarming us with their charm. Never trust they stop plotting, regardless of the amount of time they seem to be sleeping. They're clever. And as they knead the blanket to ready for sleep, they too shall knead into the very jugular of our American freedom."

*inside joke for ghosts

55 comments:

VampireSmitten said...

I dont have a cat so im safe, right? unless... its a ghost cat... hmm

I missed you guys in Dallas.. maybe next time? or i might just have tofly to the next show!

ThisSideUp said...

HOLY SHIT! Hunter, I have a cat! And I'm sure he hates me! WHAT DO I DO?!

maureen said...

i always new there was a reason i hated cats...

Kera said...

Aw, man!! I have two cats!!!!! :O

Is there any way we can stop them?!

LynellMarie said...

I've always been cautious and questionable around cats. Now I know the truth.

Alexis said...

I don't own a cat, so I'm safe! ...For now xP

Roxanne said...

That post made the 6 month wait sooo worth it. I have 5 cats and now I hope that they are building an army... even though 2 of them are dumber than a box of rocks.

Alena said...

I KNEW IT! My family thought I was crazy for saying that the cut I got on my hand was all part of Tiger's diabolical plan for world domination, BUT I WAS RIGHT! That little "lazy yet lovable diva" persona is all an elaborate façade! He may have the rest of them fooled, but not me. Oh no, not me...

Anonymous said...

I KNEW those cats were up to something! Have you ever noticed how you can't get up if a cat is cuddling, for fear of disturbing them? Are we unknowingly becoming THEIR pets?

Brittany said...

HUNTER! This post made my day--completely made my day. And I watched a Joan Cusack movie today, which says a LOT. I demand you to keep us updated on this! (...I demand you to keep us updated, PLEASE? Does that work?)

Best of luck getting published! I'm personally on the cats' side. I like them better than people--they're furry. My (Bob) is slumbering (and plotting) at the end of my couch...

By the way--the AFI shows are MIND-BLOWING. I caught two--the first in Richmond, VA, the second in Myrtle Beach, SC. And thank you for being so great after the shows! You give great hugs and you made my friend's LIFE at Myrtle Beach. Thank you!

(And thanks for letting me comment your ear (eyes?) off...)

MJ said...

My cat's name is Austen, and she climbs up the side of the house to get inside because meowing at the glass door on the balcony seems to be ineffective. I think she secretly consults with the deer and the garden gnomes in my backyard, because there are traces of deer poo and tipped over garden gnomes all over the place.

But in other news, I'm amazed and proud that you've managed to actually put aside the time to write a book while on tour and working on new Hunter Revenge material. I have time to write a book when I'm not at school or doing homework or extra credit activities or at work or spending time with my family or babysitting or preparing to go to important shows (like the one in Victoria with Tegan & Sara and Jet's Overhead, so excited to see you guys), or setting the table and doing other various chores, or spending a great deal of time updating Twitter from my new iPhone. So I've never had the self-discipline to sit myself down and write a novel. Last time I did that was for NaNoWriMo last year, and I think it's scarred me for life because I'm permanently mentally challenged by all the caffeine I consumed during that time period. However, I do plan on writing an novel eventually. Maybe I'll take a gap year and go travel and have a great epiphany and meet the Pope, and hopefully write and publish a book somewhere along the way. I have it all planned out. I hope it ends up completely different than I imagined. I want to surprise myself.

Let us know what your book is about soon, because if you don't curiosity will get the best of me, and we all know that curiosity is what killed the cat. I guess Austen isn't that curious, seeing as how she's managed to survive 13+ years climbing up the side of the house to get inside.

Hm.

blaqk said...

That's great news Hunter!
I wrote a book last month for NaNoWriMo. You should check it out. I finished with 50 012 words :D. There may be plot holes the size of an ocean, but nothing a few dozen re-writes can't handle.
Novel buddies for life!

blaqk said...

^^
Check out NaNoWriMo... Not my noel :P

Noah Driver said...

That was a very enjoyable read! You could make that into a short story, but I think it would offend some people. I've started writing myself, but only poems and lyrics.

If your book needs illustration I may be able to help. I'm currently setting up a portfolio/blog thingy wiggy for my art. I'll send it this way when I'm done.

meow,

Noah D.

cilliii said...

Ok, I don't have a cat. And I'm not in America. But. Should I get a native-american one, just to make sure, I'll notice when they start attacking? Might probably be better than not noticing.

Anyway. Good to here from you again. Definitly made the worse week in a lifetime good again. :)

Buzz Royale said...

I still like cats...and yay for you blogging again...maybe I also should get a ghostwriter...

chaoskitten[DF] said...

I have a dog and he doesn't like cats (he enjoys chasing my neighbour's though), so I'm good! XD

If a cat is irritating/trying to kill you/your dog, I'd suggest a small water pistol filled with cold water.

Cruel I know, but it stops the cat from teasing my dog. Perhaps this new technology can be used in an oncoming war.... :)

Although the pistol must be shaped like a fake banana for maximum effect. :)

Julia said...

I'm already not much of a cat person. Allergic to them, actually. But I'm not allergic to dogs. I think my body is telling me something. I must intuitively be aware of the danger!

Jacks said...

I'm actually jealous of your imagination...where do you come up with this stuff?

I once had a bunny walk across key board (but never a cat). Was interesting she managed to highlight 4500 words and delete them all (which command+z fixed just fine, but it was still distressing to watch happen). I think the bunny had something against me though, I couldn't pronounce her name so I just made up a new one every week.

The cat that my roommates also had would play with the bunny, it would mimic the bunny and actually hop around. Ever seen a cat do that? It's funny as hell! Thought it was just playing but now that I think about it maybe the cat was just in training to be some kind of undercover bunny/cat! Maybe the BUNNY was really a cat!! Lock your doors!

Christine said...

Did you know Cat Detective novels are like, their own genre of literature?

Jessiqa said...

As for publishing your book, you might try self-publishing through a print-on-demand site like Lulu.com.

Gillian said...

One day, I went to this one girl's house. She had a cat. When I walked into the room where the cat was, he jumped out of nowhere and started chasing me. And pretty much every time I'm near a cat, they always start glaring at me. At least now I know why!

Also, on an unrelated note, you guys are fucking amazing live. I got to see you guys when you were in Kansas City. Best concert ever. (:

AbsentOfGrace said...

I just tried to imagine you writing this and laughed.

stenokitty said...

We have a black cat at work. Do you think it's trying to overthrow the CEO and take over the business???

Anonymous said...

Love the way your mind works, however your warning comes too late. My little evolved moggie has my hubby trained as her slave. He will open the door for her, regardless of the catflap,buys a mini christmas tree for her even though we don't bother with commercialmas, he will peel her the occasional grape, slicing it into bite size pieces as is her preference, so evoloved is she that she enjoys being vegetarian(yes it is healthy-if you do it right and theres no fish breath!)
His reward for such devotion is pain, she wants a taste of his pear a claw is pressed into his hand and pulled to her waiting mouth, should he venture on to my pillow in his sleep he gets bitten as she has declared it hers(yes she does sleep there)Hope you can get your book published, if not do as many do in the uk, self publish-I'm sure all who follow your blog would buy it.

StraightToHell said...

Oh man, that was too funny for words. How do you even come up with this stuff? It's great. I think what I loved the most was the 'tribal names'. This made my day. Great stuff. You need to write blogs more often.

Kit said...

I intend to use your report as a source in my next paper for AP American History.

This Time Imperfect said...

Hunter <3<3<3

This Time Imperfect said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cassin8er said...

I actually have an Indian headdress just like that... just a whole lot more beading...Iroqious Indians are very peculiar about their embroidery.

nate said...

Hmmm. This was more offensive than funny. Drawing comparisons between Native Americans and their demise at the hands of White settlers and cats is short sighted. These "Native American" cats and their "sordid past" and "docile nature" is the most unfunny thing I have read. Your readers comments are just as disturbing. Replace the word "cat" in some of these comments with the words "Native American" and the results are chilling. Your attempt at satire at the expense of Native Americans is an EPIC FAIL.

Cat said...

My cats are in a tribe and they are definitely trying to kill us but at the same time, they are horrendously lazy, so they keep putting it off until tomorrow.
Also, one of my cats has yet to figure out that the thing that follows her everywhere she goes is actually called a tail and is attached to her.
Cats are proof that being adorable and making cute noises will get you very far in life.

Good luck with your book.
I remember when I used to have time for things other than writing papers. and the worst part is I voluntarily did this to myself. It's like, I want to have a career I actually enjoy or something. Crazy.
/ridiculously long comment

propelwave said...

dang i have a cat looks like shes sleeping outside tonight. I wish our history was more interesting like that.

Dami said...

Wow! I will never look at cats the same again.

Raeschel said...

Unfortunately for you I'm a spy for the cats. I'm going to warn them of your knowledge and you'll be the first to go! Ha ha!

C'est Moi. said...

You're fantastic.

Good luck with the book!

frantic1 said...

Lolj!! I new my cat was up to something!!

spamonie said...

Hey Hunter! I have a quick question, on Friday, February 27, 2009 you made a blog entry entitled
How Do I _____? You didn't tell us what the secret it was for, or updated on what it was for, im wondering if you forgot, decided not to do it or haven't finished it yet. Please finish it? Please? I'm curious on what it was for.

janicethemenace said...

awwwww... Sleeps in Sunspots =)

Jess said...

Hey! I just saw AFI in SLC tonight! Such and incredible show! Cuz of my wheelchair I was able to be near the stage on the side where you were playing! So cool! You guys were awesome tonight! Thanks for coming to SLC!

rEDcookiemontank said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rEDcookiemontank said...

dude...somewhere in The Sandman issue 3 or 4 is a story told by a cat about when felines used to rule the world...i find this eerily invocative of that work. like both you (or rather your ghosts) and neil gaiman KNOW something...

oh well. my cat drinks from the toilet. i'm not worried.

fortunefox said...

My cats are constantly trying to throw me off my game. Seriously, it's like a land mine of vomit around here...I spend more time dealing with that then I care to admit lol.

Blog was totally worth the wait :)

fortunefox said...

My cats are constantly trying to throw me off my game. Seriously, it's like a land mine of vomit around here...I spend more time dealing with that then I care to admit lol.

Blog was totally worth the wait

Obsolete said...

almost home!!! one more day... unless your here already.

Janelle said...

You know, I'm going to see Cats in January. I am now convinced that musical is actually a conspiracy.

I also now understand the hatred for cats some of my friends have. They're just far more vigilant than I.

karen said...

i m from brasil i lives americana i m jail mr chairman globo tv mr roberto irineu marinho this men put police every day adress globo tv rue doctor chucri zaidan 46 morumbi at sao paulo sp

NDriver said...

Here's my art portfolio if you need any illustration done in the future.

http://nddartwork.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Can you redo more of the ghost blogs so we can see them? Omg that was some intense reading! I loved it! Not only that I am in the process of emailing and writing and calling all my favorite publishers to tell them they need to PUBLISH your book!!!! (will the ghost be helping you with your book? I hope so)

Christy Crawley said...

Hunter- we are all very excited for the "Beautiful Thieves" music video. And rumors are flying around like crazy. Based on the tweets we'd been getting about it, some DF members have photoshopped pictures, of what we believe the video will look like.

I have collected all the pictures. Prepare to be amused and confused.

http://www.facebook.com/#/photo.php?pid=30876335&id=1130486561

Why is Adam on a sand boat 75% of the time? Several reasons, but mostly due to a quote mix up. People couldn't remember if it was Adam or Jade who said they would build a lifeboat out of sand if they were ever stuck on an island.

Dani said...

Cats do look quite creepy...and they're always staring... D:
*huddles up to knees and rocks back and forth while hyperventalating and staring off into space*


Have fun on the rest of your tour!!
You guys were GREAT when I went (:
and I was standing like right in front of you, you have very thin legs x_x

TeshaNaquin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shy Girls Win said...

I have a cat and two ghost cats- Major Nelson and Jeannie. Now I am kind of debating on whether or not I shoud let them sleep in my closet or under my bed.

On an unrealated note, Hunter, if you are my friend and one of my favorite people of all time (which you are!), then will you check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDT-yZTgPq4

If for some reason this doesn't work, go to YouTube.com and type in Hunter's Revenge on Jade OR click on my profile and watch the video I put there.

CHECK IT OUT BECAUSE IT IS FUNNY! AND WATCH THE WHOLE THING! LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY AT THEN END AND DON'T BE OFFENDED.

Btw, I watched all of your Q&A videos because I wanted to. You seem like a person I would definetly and obvioudly want to meet, along with the rest of AFI.

Yamin said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Lucy

http://toddlergirls.net

rusty said...

Cats are evil. Galeon Alien, my best friend's cat attempted to smother me into lifelessness by sitting on my face as I slumbered on the couch. He also proceeded to attack the backs of my legs the following day until I looked like I had been through a paper shredder. He was pure evil.